Nut Job

There are days when I wake up and I'm suddenly aware you're not there. It's the first thing I notice. Sometimes I'm walking down the street and I realize something's missing. There's a dull ache where you used to be. I get this dull ache often, sometimes it freaks me out. I think it might be something more. I feel around and there's nothing there, no invasion of any kind.
Is it a phantom pain?
People who get their limbs chopped off experience ghost pains where their extremities used to be.
The funny thing is, I don't necessarily miss you. You were just always there, like the nails on my fingers, the scar on my hand, the tiny mole under my lip. You enjoyed attention every now and again... being tugged...being kissed...being licked.

It all happened so fucking fast. I found out the news, you were sick, you hadn't been yourself in a while and I hadn't noticed. The tumor spread and destroyed you. I lost you without even realizing it.
Next step:
Surgery. A radical inguinal orchiectomy. WTF!
That should take care of everything. If shit has spread, well, one thing at a time.

I went to visit a friend at a bar and after several soothing whiskey gingers I told him my plight. I asked him if he had been with guys who had lost you. He said yes. Was this weird? No. It's totally fine. No big deal.
That night I promised myself all the things I wouldn't do if I could come out of it ok. I wouldn't do any more crazy drugs, no more white powder, no more multicolored pills, nothing ever again (I rolled last friday...woops!). Just let it be ok. I could grapple with the fact that I was going to lose you. There was no way out, really. But please, please, I didn't want to lose my hair. If I had, I would have flipped the fuck out.

I should've stayed in that bar for one more drink.

Days later, let the procedure begin. Scalpel. Yes. I'm making the incision. Let me reach in and scoop it out. Feeling around. There it is. Let's take it out. Got it! Now let's sow him up.

I woke up and you were gone. It seemed like it had all been a bad dream. Don't worry, we got it in time. You won't need any further treatment. Just routine checkups. The cancer is gone.
What a relief! No chemo!
I would have to have a brief recovery period but I could soon put it all behind me. Get up and brush myself off. Wait for the scar to heal. Just another battle wound. So happy to be alive.

Over a year later...

I rarely ever think about you. But it turns out I do. I think about you when I notice it's easier to cross my legs. I think about you when I undress. When I'm in the shower...I have to make sure your partner is ok (God, I'm so paranoid now of every little pain or weird sensation down there!). I don't really do trimming in that area because it will just make it more obvious you're no longer there and it would make me miss you.
You know, I really wish I would've taken some pictures. Pictures from before. Hot ones. In commemoration of you. I think it might have helped me deal with your loss.
Too late.
This is the only picture I have after you were taken away. I think it's a week after.
I had trouble walking for a while.
I am left with just a scar.

office hours

I was looking through my pictures today and I came upon this old picture from my trip to Puerto Rico 3 years ago. I went with 2 of my best friends in the summer and rather than spending time on the main island, we frolicked on the empty beaches of a nearby smaller island, called Culebra. A small bungalow by the water became our home during our time there. If we ever needed anything we just had to contact the person who ran the place.
That could be a little difficult given their rather loose schedule. Nevertheless these are the office hours most people who run a business could only dream of.

bathhouse souvenirs

This summer during my brief stay in Hong Kong I had to check out the gay scene. We ended up arriving in the city after a weekend and post a cyclone, so we weren't there at the best time to go out. Hong Kong is like an asian NYC, vibrant and sprawling with neon lights everywhere that mask the nighttime darkness.
In between dinner and going out I decided to check out a bathhouse near where my friends and I were staying in Kowloon.
I don't remember what is was called and it was not a memorable experience at all. I think the best part of it was this souvenir. How awesome and gay are these little cards that come in a package of kleenex at the door of the bathhouse! and you can collect a set! kind of amazing...
I saved this package of kleenex forever until I recently had a cold that forced me to break into this precious little piece of Hong Kong. My sniffles are gone and I am left with the memories.

waiting

i'm waiting for a client to come over for a massage. i set up my table, some incense, clean sheets, the mood is set.
these are my new tools, massage oil and bare hands.
this is my new profession. how will it last? i have no idea. right now is all that matters.

restless

Another restless night...I can't sleep and I have to work in 4 hours. Recently I did discover some new music (for me anway). Now I can't stop listening to them...Beirut.

SF Trolley

i just got some new prints back from my last batch of diana pics! this one is probably my favorite...

"You're so cool"

Movie night tonight at Abbey. We watched Tarantino's classic, True Romance. Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Christopher Walken,Brad Pitt as a stoner, probably don't need to say more. I could feel the hairs in my chest growing as I watched it. Fucking awesome movie!


Now it's past 3am and I'm wide awake...

"I look back and I'm amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: You're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool."

No on Prop H8

According to cnn.com there was an estimated 2,000 protesters marching down Market st. towards the Castro and ending in Dolores Park. I don't think this number is accurate because there seemed to be so mnay more. It was really amazing to see so many people from various backgrounds all joined together. Walking down the street I felt so lucky to be living in San Francisco, probably the most progressive city in the country. This is an exciting and hopeful time as change is in the horizon. Prop 8 has it's days numbered.

embracing the dark

Aside from this blog I have other online pages; mybook and facepage and I also have a flickr account. What I recently came to realize as I was examining these pages is that they only explore one dimension. I went through them and all I found was happy pictures, smiles and laughs. None of these really capture the dark moments. There are so many! No where can I find something that alludes to those times where you come home and soon as the door shuts you start to unravel. Those days when the shit hits the fan and it sprays it all over your face. Those times where you're so on edge it seems that even the slightest thing might knock you overboard. The empty, cold walk of shame. When you're standing in a crowd of strangers completely alone.
So this is also my exploration into the dark side, into the emtpy lonely rooms and moments of hopelessness. Despite the fact that I might not want to remember them, they are still present and worth acknowledging.

starting with something new

So I decided to start a blog. I became inspired by several friends of mine who created their own.
I've always thought I was good with words and letters. In school math was always and uphill battle but english was my favorite subject. A shy, introverted child, I devoured books, competed in local spelling bees and entered writing contests. None of this really means I'm a good writer, perhaps I'm a poor one, but nevertheless I enjoy it.
I've realized that in these past months I've been really enjoying spending time alone, an avid pedestrian, always walking up and down hills in SF or more honestly avoiding them. In these walks that often lead to forced bus rides to complete my destination, I've noticed that I sort of talk to myself. Not in some weird schizo way but I will be looking out the window of the muni and I will catch myself mouthing my thoughts. Clearly my mind is always in overdrive and I tend to over analyze and obsess about things too much.
Why not put that to good use and create something, if for nothing else than my own amusement.
I guess I'll see what I come up with...