Monday, September 27, 2010

Down the Hallway

One step forward.

Hi. I'm here for an appointment with the doctor.

Two steps forward.

Sit down we'll call you up in a few minutes.

Several paces down the hall.

Waiting. Fidgeting. Reading. Playing Angry Birds. Waiting some more.

Hesitant, you keep walking forward.

The doctor will see you now. I'll take your vitals first.

At the end of the hall. After a walk that's mysteriously short as it is long it's time to push through the doors...

Sitting in the small doctor's office, it's frighteningly familiar. There's no comfort in this familiarity. More waiting. Finally there's a tap on the door and the doctor comes in...

Living with cancer is living with anxiety. Never knowing. The unknown is often times exciting. In this case it's terrifying. This cancer, my cancer, isn't going to go away any time soon it seems. There's been an adjustment, a shift in the mindset that has helped. After several weeks of miserable hopelessness I realized people live with cancer for a long time. They bounce back and forth from remission. This is a reality I have to accept if I can get through this. And I know I haven't had it nearly as bad as some people, yet anyway.

Just as I was settling into this train of thought, of becoming somewhat ok with my condition I find out that I have 2 more tumors on my liver. The cancer is spreading throughout my body faster than radiation can do away with the already existing tumors.

What now? I don't know.
More radiation? more chemo? more medications? more doctors? more side effects? more of your life being at a standstill, stuck in this limbo, while you watch your friends and family move forward?

Less nights of peaceful sleep? less time to move forward? less time to enjoy hot days? less income? less hair? less possibilities?

Less hope. Less to look forward to.

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