Unwelcome

I'm sitting in my kitchen waiting for this bread pudding to cook. I'm making it for an Artfag Potluck I'm going to tomorrow. I should be more excited about it. It's going to be a good way to build more of a community and establish more connections with my queer artist brethren (which happily, this city is bountiful in).

I wasn't even going to write about this, because...well it's alot more personal than I usually am on here. But what is a blog if not a place to write your thoughts and and share your mind.

I guess what I'm sitting here thinking about as my pudding heats and bubbles in the oven is the fact that I might have an unwelcome guest...

You arrived so suddenly! Funny thing is you had been crashing a while before I even realized you were around. I didn't invite you so I got rid of you fast.

But now I think you might be back. Something is weird, a bit off. It's painful. Physically painful. That's the way you announced your arrival before, so I'm scared you've returned.

As much as I try to not think about you coming back it's all it's all I've been able to think about these past few days. Every thing and every part of my day I'm tense because I can feel you coming back. I think you might already be here.

I really want to think that I'm being paranoid. That a part of me is just freaking because of your last visit and what a mess I had to clean up after you left. I didn't realize you left such a dissaray until I started having nervous breakdowns while picking up the pieces. What a trip that was.

And now here I am again. I'm going on monday hopefully to see if anybody has seen you come through town. I really hope they don't. I think part of the reason I'm writing this is because I want to be proven wrong and look back at this and laugh at how silly and paranoid I was. That you got the message the first time and now know you're not welcome.

I just don't know that I can deal with the fact that you might want to come back...best not to think about that and figure it out if/when you do...

In the meantime I wonder if I should clean my room, just in case.

Hmmm, I'll finish this glass of wine first, because tonight I need it.