a 'stache of melancholy and mischief

A Curse

2011-10-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

At some point in this journey it seemed cancer was a gift in a twisted way. To help me see things clearly, to help me get perspective, to see what really matters...everything was going to be ok and I was going to be afforded a second chance.
Not anymore. I had a major surgery to remove whatever the doctors could find in my body that didn't belong. Several weeks later I'm still in the hospital recovering. The surgery was successful but who knows when the cancer might come back.
Being in the hospital has turned into torture, tubes coming and going left and right. I haven't eaten in weeks waiting for my body to wake up from the shock of surgery. The cancer has finally affected my brain.
Depressed, sad and hopeless I'm now on antidepressants, anti anxiety and sleeping medication as my mind is driving me crazy. Being held prisoner in a sterile cell watching everyone's life continue and while I'm trapped in a nightmare I can't escape. When will it end???

Leslie and Florence

2011-10-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

Gorgeous voices and very different styles. Both equally stunning.

Fear Resection

2011-09-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Facing major surgery this week. To once again try and destroy the cancer in my body that refuses to die. It's coming down to the end. I can feel it. Tuesday the doctors will cut out more of my internal organ to try and eliminate the tumors that are left. A whipple and a retroperitoneal resection.
In the interim, time is distorted by strong opiates that in an effort to eliminate physical pain serve also to displace me in a space shared by no one else. A space occupied by fear, hopelessness, despair, sorrow and exhaustion.
I'm 30 years old and I'm terrified that I might die of cancer, that I might die of complications from these procedures, that I might live the rest of my life terrified of dying by way of cancer, as it's not an easy death.
Not much more to say at the moment. Next time I return to this blog a new diagnosis will have been given; en extended lease or perhaps a notice of eviction.
What I wouldn't give to go back to a carefree existence right now? Where I felt young, healthy, attractive and to some degree invincible.
Those were the days.

Passenger and Pilot

2011-08-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

A couple of my dear friends are in this band called Passenger and Pilot. Beautiful instrumentals and voices. They will be at Viracocha this Tuesday night. Come check them out!

She Fancy

2011-08-27T20:46:00.001-07:00

You wouldn't know it by this picture but this gal has been through some rough times. It's ok. She still enjoys a nice glass of wine while dining out in the city!

It's a Maze

2011-08-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Dirty Beaches

2011-08-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the pleasure to visit the Clift Hotel with my friends to go see one man band Dirty Beaches. It was a great show, awesome guy to see live and a total hottie! As my friend Rebecca describes him, "a japanese James Dean with a voice like Leonard Cohen". Again...hot!

Pictures courtesy of Alanna Hale.

Music on Valencia St.

2011-08-23T12:59:00.001-07:00

Wash Away

2011-08-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just wanna get washed away, never to come back.

11 Wash Away (Reprise) by Joe Purdy by mullencourtney144

Careful What You Say

2011-08-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

First let's cover what NOT to say.

You've lost so much weight. You look fantastic!
Thanks for noticing! My doctor says I'm malnourished.

You're strong and I know you can beat this.
Are you going to be disappointed in me if I die?

I read that kelp/almonds/asparagus have magical anti-cancer properties.
You should definitely eat some, then.

I know what you're going through.
Your grandfather's colostomy bag does not make you an expert on my medical situation. Unless you've been as sick as I have, you most certainly DO NOT know what it's like.

That reminds me of when my dog/cat/gerbil had a tumor on her leg.
I'm sure that was heartbreaking for you.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
Define "handle."

OMG, I have/had cancer too! Let's be best friends.
Please stop weeping on my neck.

I know you don't want to talk about it, but I really need to.
Get a therapist.

Cancer rates go up the less you exercise.
You're right. It's my fault I got cancer.

I am so impressed by how fearless you are.
Actually, I'm scared shitless, but I've gotten really good at hiding it.

I feel awful, too! I have such bad allergies this time of year.
You win.

Everything happens for a reason.
I'm beginning to doubt your intelligence.

I had a friend who died from that same kind of cancer!
Wow, what a coincidence. Fuck you.

Now here's what you could say instead.

1. I don't know what to say.
If you're feeling uncomfortable talking to us, we can probably tell. The best way to dispel awkwardness is to admit that you feel awkward. It's not our job to put you at ease, but maybe you'll feel better if you confess.

2. This is the worst news ever!
Of course you're upset to hear about your friend's diagnosis. It is totally fine to have strong feelings and to show them. But really, your friend should not have to reassure you or take on the burden of your feelings. I've kicked my family out to go cry in the waiting room during bad-news doctor visits. This is, first and foremost, my tragedy, and I can't be strong if the people around me are falling apart.

3. Is this a good time for you to talk about it?
We're all smiles in cancer land. We get complimented all the time for our positive attitudes. But sometimes our optimistic public face is in danger of cracking. We want to know that you care about us, but you can help by not pushing too hard for The Real Backstory in, say, the grocery store check-out line. Tell us you want to know more, and let us decide when we're up for that conversation. And sorry, you have to accept it if we don't want to talk about it at all.

4. Here are some ways I'd like to help you.
I like it best when offers of help are very specific. "I have a whole bag of fun wigs at home. Do you want to borrow them for a while?" or "I'm taking my kids out for ice cream later. Can I bring your kids along?" Then I can say yes or no without having to think of something helpful for the person to do. Also, when I get a vague offer of help and then I make a specific request, it makes both of us feel bad if the person doesn't want to do what I've asked.

5. Do you need someone to coordinate volunteers?
The first time my cancer came back after a 20-year hiatus, I was a busy working mother and was totally blindsided by the whole thing. My friend Anne offered to coordinate parents at my son's school to make meals for our family. The coordination was a bigger gift than the food itself. If you're good at this, you might want to offer to coordinate the help that comes in. Offering to help with information control is also good. My partner does this for me. He's willing to take phone calls or answer email from concerned friends when I'm feeling like a hermit. If you can offer this, it might take a huge burden off of the patient.

6. May I pray for you?
Many people find it comforting to know you're praying for them. To me it feels like you're proselytizing. But the rare person who asks me instead of TELLING me they're praying for me always gets a big fat yes. As long as you're not shoving your religious views down my throat, I am happy for you to pray if it comforts you to do so. Unless you know your friend shares your religious views, ask how they'd feel about having you pray for them.

7. You look great.
We like to hear this as much as the next person, but please, only say it if it's true. We might be bald. We might be scarred. We might have puffy faces from steroids or bruises from having blood drawn. So if we look like shit and you lie about it, we can tell. But I do like to hear it when I look sort of okay.

8. No strings attached.
I love to get letters, care packages, and email. It helps to feel loved, and I especially appreciate the people who let me off the hook. The emails that say, I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you but you don't have to write back. The phone calls that say, call me back only if you want to. The gifts that say, no thank you note is needed. I know I sound like a jerk. Someone sends me a gift and I can't even be bothered to write a thank you note? Returning phone calls is a burden now? But when I have very limited energy, I want to save it for my family and my garden and my writing. Cancer patients still have an obligation to be nice people, but maybe they don't have to follow all the social conventions perfectly right now.

9. Take cues.
Listen to me carefully. I might have just told you some really scary news about my health, but what else am I telling you? Am I being blunt and painfully realistic? Am I being cheerful, downplaying the seriousness of the news? Am I avoiding giving you details? Your job is to follow my lead. You can ask questions, but if I give you vague answers you need to drop it. It means I've told you as much as I want to tell you right now. If I'm optimistic, be optimistic with me. If I'm in the mood for gallows humor, don't try to force me to look on the bright side.

10. Say nothing.
That's right. I love it when people say nothing at all about my cancer. I'm tired of talking about it. I'd be curious to hear how other cancer patients feel about this, but I find it refreshing to be treated normally. That doesn't mean you should ignore my illness, but it can be a nice change to have an interaction with a friend where it just doesn't come up.

Above all, just do the best you can, and if you aren't sure you're giving the right kind of support, ask your friend how you can do better. Cancer patients may be walking an emotional tightrope a lot of the time, but we can recognize and appreciate good intentions, even if the things you say aren't pitch perfect every time.

Thank you Virginia C. McGuire, cancer warrior since the age of 10 and now Philadelphia based freelance writer. This was also courtesy of The Awl.

New track by Feist

2011-08-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

How Come You Never Go There by Feist

A Tiny Salute

2011-08-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

Right now I’m a little dizzy. Not sure why, I suppose my body isn’t what it used to be anymore. Not after all the chemo and radiation of the past year. Turns out the BMT didn’t work and I’m just as sick as I was before. I have a big fat tumor on my side that’s already starting to make itself noticed. Oww. Not really sure what comes next, more radiation, surgery and perhaps I get to cut in line at the check out aisle.

But this post isn’t about me. It’s a tiny salute to the wonderful nurses I’ve met throughout my time with cancer.

The nurses that wake up at the crack of dawn everyday or the ones who spend the time awake by your side at four in the morning wiping sweat from your forehead as you puke up your insides or shit yourself in the bed. The men and women who bring you popsicles and take away the food when you can’t bare to breathe in any foreign odor The ones who change your soiled gowns, who give you a sponge bath because you don’t have the energy to stand up right in the shower, the ones who rub lotion on burnt skin. The ones who come and check on you after you’ve finally fallen asleep. The nurses who listen to your stories and get to know you and bring you a warm blanket when the hot-cold spells shake your body. The ones who walk you out to a cab to make sure you don’t fall over. They are the ones who pick you up when you’re lying on the hospital floor too nauseated and weak to make it back on the bed.

They are the people you never thought you might need and suddenly they are the only ones who can get you through. They are the ones who aren’t afraid to talk about death because they experience it everyday. The will to live might be relentless but so is cancer and sometimes no matter how much you want it, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

Surgeons and doctors can cut you open but it’s the nurses who heal you. They can prepare you to keep on fighting or make it ok to start letting go.

So this is for Peggy, Cherie, Jeannie, Alina, Richard and all the nurses who I’ve had the luck of meeting in the past year. I may not remember all of your names but I do remember your smile. You smiling at me forced me to despite everything, smile back. And at least for that moment I felt a little bit better. For that and an endless amount more I will always be thankful.

50/50

2011-08-12T19:03:00.001-07:00

It also takes a pair to keep on fighting even when it seems you might lose.

Laguna Beach

2011-08-07T23:36:00.000-07:00

New Music by Feist

2011-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Miss Leslie Feist has a new album coming out after four years! To be released in October, most of the album was recorded in Big Sur. Also, she graces us with her musical presence in San Francisco in November. Could not be more excited! It's been a long time!

Palm Desert

2011-08-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

Fayes Video and Coffee Bar

2011-07-25T10:42:00.001-07:00

Tartine

2011-07-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Tres Leches Cake
Aparagus and Shitake Mushroom Croque Monsieur with a pickled carrot.

Vacation

2011-07-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Next week Palm Springs!!

Great Charlotte

2011-07-14T12:34:00.000-07:00

Hugely talented Charlotte Gainsbourg has two movies coming out this summer to be excited about: The Tree and Melancolia, her second film with often disturbing directer Lars Von Trier (Antichrist, Breaking the Waves, Dancer in the Dark).

Big Sur Buds

2011-07-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

Moustache Love

2011-07-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

My moustache is slowly starting to come back and my hair is soon to follow. Finally! Oh how I've missed you so!

Sunset In Big Sur

2011-07-08T12:46:00.001-07:00

Beginners

2011-07-07T20:52:00.001-07:00

Finally saw this last week and it's quite lovely. Subtle, sweet and heartbreaking; just how I like 'em. Plus, huge crush on Ewan McGregor and Melanie Laurent.

Sparklers

2011-07-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Espadrilles!

2011-07-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

Love Affair

2011-07-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

After an epic weekend in Big Sur I had to immediately reblog this from my friend over at The Peony Project as we shared beautiful and hilarious moments together in this gorgeous state. Despite everything I'm a pretty lucky fellow.

Splitscreen: A Love Story

2011-07-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

Really pretty!

Splitscreen: A Love Story from JW Griffiths on Vimeo.

Happy Summer

2011-07-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't been skinny dipping since the warm beaches of Puerto Rico in 2005...a long time ago! Summer officially kicks off for me this weekend as I'm going with my gang to Big Sur for the holiday weekend. It will be epic! Hope everyone has an awesome 4th, full of fireworks and merriment!

Alemany Flea Market

2011-06-30T13:05:00.001-07:00

Where Children Sleep

2011-06-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Of the many lovely presents I got for my birthday this year, one of the standouts was given to me by my friend, Tina. Photographer James Mollison's book Where Children Sleep is an interesting, beautiful collection of photographs that explores children and their bedrooms. These children are from all over the world, from Tokyo to Senegal to England. The photographs are accompanied by a caption the tells the story of each child. These stories range from a boy who lives out in the open with his herd of goats to a beauty pageant contestant with a room full of trophies.
Where Children Sleep is a thought provoking exploration of childhood, innocence and nostalgia.

NY State of Mind

2011-06-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

We can get married in New York now! Slowly but surely, we'll get there! Get with it already California.

The Way Things Are

2011-06-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

Food Fight!

2011-06-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

This clever video follows every disastrous and tragic instance of modern warfare from WWII to the present. I couldn't really identify all the separate one. Kudos to you if you can.

Now 30

2011-06-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go?

The Big C

2011-06-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

Laura Linney stars in this show about a woman diagnosed with potentially terminal cancer. I started watching this last year and it's a surprisingly hilarious, irreverant, endearing and well written show. Props to the writers for making a show about a terminal illness anything but a drag. You don't have to have cancer to enjoy it. The second season starts soon and I'm pretty excited about it.

Fuck It

2011-06-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

Vogue

2011-06-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

"Voguing: The Message, is a nice little pre-”Paris Is Burning” documentary about the emerging New York voguing scene with a lot of footage and some awesome performances and statements by Willi Ninja from the House of Ninja. The film was shot in 1988 by Jack Walworth, David Bronstein & Dorothy Low and released in 1989."

With You I'm Born Again

2011-06-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

So today I turn 30. Given the events of last year it feels like I should at least be 50. I broke out of the hospital yesterday and it was wonderful to take up in my own room and bed today. The bone marrow transplant was successful so far (it will be months before doctors can get an accurate reading as to whether the cancer is all gone or not). Regardless this is it. No more chemo, no more radiation, no more.
I'm done. Whatever the results may be.
So I may live a long and healthy life or I might live a not so long one. But the plan is to enjoy every minute of what I have. Because I am born again, at least that's what they tell all the BMT people, because of how intense the procedure is and how profoundly it changes you.
Cancer changes you, hopefully for the better. And I'm now 30, so hopefully I can start my 30's with a fresh slate. So many milestones! I couldn't have made it this far without my wonderful group of friends who carried me through a miserable year. I am eternally grateful.
One step at a time now....life.

Flora Hanitijo

2011-05-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

More of Flora Hanitijo's dreamlike, gauzy photography can be found here.

My Room

2011-05-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Having been in the hospital for weeks now recovering from my final round of chemo makes me miss my room greatly. Living with 5 other people it's the only place I can truly call mine, where everything in the room serves a purpose and every object has some kind of meaning. This last year I've nested there trying to create the warmest and coziest environment.

50/50

2011-05-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

I found about this movie a while ago, being the big Joseph Gordon Levitt fan that I am. The trailer is finally out! I'm pretty stoked about it. I couldn't have thought of anyone better to play me in a movie!

"When his friend Will Reiser developed cancer at 25, Seth Rogen thought, ''How can we turn this into a movie?'' And they did. The Reiser-penned dramedy 50/50 (out Sept. 30) stars Gordon-Levitt as Adam, a cancer patient, and Rogen (who's also producing) as his loutish friend. 50/50 doesn't downplay the disease's toll, but it definitely finds humor, like when Adam exploits his condition to attract women. ''Often with films about cancer I think, 'You made something sad seem sad for two hours. Congratulations!''' Rogen says. ''The real challenge is to make it seem anything but completely miserable.'' Entertainment Weekly

Sarah's Back!

2011-05-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

Oh Sarah Michelle, you're back!
Every now and then I need my fix and happy Buffy will always be there for me.
And now, you're starring in a new show I see. Ringer, a noiresque series about murder and wrong identities. I hope it's good cuz you deserve well written material. I'm curious to say the least...

Reading Rainbow

2011-05-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

Coming across this piece by Olaf Hajek I immediately thought of Reading Rainbow. If you were born in the 80's or earlier you definitely know what I'm talking about. There's something quite conforting about being read to. Thanks dude from Star Trek!

Day and Night in Calistoga

2011-05-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

Alcatraz

2011-05-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

The new series by JJ Abrams! I sweat this guy's touch is gold! (Felicity, Alias, Star Trek, Cloverfield, Lost and the upcoming Super 8 movie) So exciting!

Black Hole

2011-05-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

Black Hole
In my way I pray, black hole take me away
and if it came today and sucked me away
I would jump right in and say
"Tomorrow is here today!"
in my way I pray, black hole take me away.

Mantra bound this skyward train,
like fanning flames
and I squeal out as I kneel and
summer rain.
But with this storm comes newly
born exit mundane.
mantra bound this skyward train,
like fanning flames...

Matt Himes from Shep and Me

photo by yours truly.

Hoop the Flow

2011-05-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

One of my dear friends and ex roommate has come along way. Her interest in hoops began tentatively. We had to move all the plants out of the living room when she would practice and duck behind each other to avoid getting knocked over by hoops that would clumsily fly off her body left and right.

Years later she has become a well known hoop instructor and performer in the San Francisco community. She teaches classes, leads workshops and soon will be taking her hooping experience to Mexico to impart some more dance, body and mind awareness and hooping magic.

I'm a bit too stiff to even try to look graceful with a hoop. But this woman knows what she's doing!

For more on Hoop the Flow, check out her website here.

Tina Fey

2011-05-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

Tina Fey responds to some haters (how could anyone hate this woman? I don't understand!)

From Dlisted.com

Posted by Centaurious on Monday, 9/21/2009, 2:08 A.M.

“Tina Fey is an ugly, pear-shaped, bitchy, overrated troll.”

Dear Centaurious,

First let me say how inspiring it is that you have learned to use a computer.

I hate for our correspondence to be confrontational, but you have offended me deeply. To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair. I’ll leave it for others to say if I’m the best, but I am certainly one of the most dedicated trolls guarding bridges today. I always ask three questions, at least two of which are riddles.

As for “ugly, pear-shaped, and bitchy”? I prefer the terms “offbeat, business class–assed, and exhausted,” but I’ll take what I can get. There’s no such thing as bad press!

Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.

Affectionately,

Tina

Posted by SmarterChild, on 2/24/2008, 2:10 P.M.

“I’d stick it in her tail pipe.”

Dear SmarterChild,

Thank you so much for your interest. Whether you meant it in a sexual way or merely as an act of aggression, I am grateful. As a “woman of a certain age” in this business, I feel incredibly lucky to still be “catching your eye” “with my anus.” You keep me relevant!

Sincerely,

Ms. T. Fey

Super

2011-05-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

It's Only Natural

2011-05-10T22:32:00.000-07:00

"Tears begin in the heart,
but some of us deny the heart so often, and for so long,
that when it speaks we hear not one but a hundred sorrows in the heartbreak.
We know that crying is a good and natural thing.
We know that crying isn't a weakness,
but a kind of strength.
Still,
the weeping rips us root by tangled root from the earth,
and we crash like fallen trees when we cry."

Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

A Little Piece of Heaven

2011-05-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Vampire Honeycomb

2011-05-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Had I been in this tame crowd I would probably be going wild as Vampire Weekend is one of my favorite bands. Nevertheless, this a great cover of an old Honeycombs song.

Patch Design

2011-05-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

One of my closest friends is starting her own business! Congrats Hed! Printing, design, work with different fibers...all hand made! Very cool stuff! You can check out the website here and the Etsy link here.

Hold On

2011-05-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

...and just tell me it's all gonna be ok.

Cookies and Cream

2011-05-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is genius!

Moon River

2011-05-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Classic movie, lovely music and Audrey Hepburn is such a cutie!

Scenes from the City

2011-05-02T10:29:00.000-07:00

Dreamy

2011-04-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

Binki Shapiro and Fabrizio Moretti from Little Joy photographed by Serge Leblon.

Congratulations!

2011-04-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

This is a salute to two of my dearest friends, Adam and Amanda. They are getting hitched today! Wishing you guys the best on your continued life together. Yay!

Slow Motion

2011-04-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite tracks from Panda Bear's new album Tomboy.

News

2011-04-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Luckily, that's not exactly how I found out.

Sometimes...

2011-04-25T08:35:00.001-07:00

Another Chance

2011-04-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm back from the hospital and just awaiting recovery to face my final session of chemotherapy. This last cycle wasn't as rough as I imagined it could be but the long term side effects and scars are starting to become more apparent. Small prices to pay for a possible cure.
Anyway, I had to share my excitement about this trailer for what looks like could be a really powerful movie.

As always, most interested in stories about second chances, redemption and people facing incredible circumstances; I'm pretty pumped about Another Earth. Some would say I fit the bill of one of these people, taking a step away I might agree, and on a perhaps less egotistical level I would also say that my life is no different from anyone else's and no can really imagine the pain that goes on behind closed doors even though mine might be a little bit harder to disguise.

Pretty soon I might have gotten my second chance. Time will tell if I do, the cancer could come back soon and I could have less than a year to live or it could come back never and I might live till old and gray. I suppose I should get used to the ambiguity.

Faced once again with the possibility of leading a healthy life and getting a second go of it as I face my 30th birthday more questions arise than answers.

I have found a new meaning in life and a reawakening perhaps of what's really important and valuable...but now that I know that...what comes next? What do I really want to make of my life? How do I want it to be? How I can get there, as I face a potential new chapter of adulthood?

Questions I suppose will be answered on a day to day. There is no use worrying about what hasn't happened yet. Right now I can only learn to forgive myself for irreparable mistakes made only against myself and just let go. Time will tell and I hope to be given the chance not to fuck it up.

Thank You

2011-04-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

Thank you Becky, Julie and Heidi. And thank you to everyone who in one way or another has shown unwavering support.

Admit One

2011-03-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna be taking a break from my blog. Anyone who knows me or has followed this blog somewhat, knows I have cancer. And tomorrow I start the mother of all treatments. A bone marrow transplant. High dose chemo being key. I have pretty good odds, although in the immediate reality this doesn't make the next few months any easier.

Chemo is poison and it will once again lay waste to everything and anything in it's path, to, in the process kill all cancer in my body. Side effects are supposed to be gruesome and from everyone that I've talked to who knows someone or who has gone through the procedure themselves, well it's pretty life changing and difficult to say the least.

Here I go. One last time.

Thank you for reading and stopping by. Hope to come back soon.

Cristian

One Last Weekend

2011-03-15T18:44:00.001-07:00

Puberty

2011-03-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

Crazy animated short by Alexander Gellner about the best time of our young lives. Not.

One Minute Puberty from bitteschön.tv on Vimeo.

Conversations with Cancer

2011-03-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

To believe, when all along we humans know that nothing can cure the briefness of this life, that there is no remedy for our basic mortality, that is a form of bravery.

To continue believing in yourself, believing in the doctors, believing in the treatment, believing in whatever I chose to believe in, that was the most important thing, I decided. It had to be.

Without belief, we would be left with nothing but an overwhelming doom, every single day. And it will beat you. I didn't fully see, until the cancer, how we fight every day against the creeping negatives of the world, how we struggle daily against the slow lapping of cynicism. Dispiritedness and disappointment, these were the real perils of live, not some sudden illness or cataclysmic millennium doomsday. I knew ow why people fear cancer: because it is a slow and inveitable death, it is the very definition of cynicism and loss of spirit.

So, I believed.

-Lance Armstrong , It's Not About the Bike.

Darren and Natalie plus Rodarte

2011-03-09T14:58:00.000-08:00

So last night I went to see Black Swan again to a theater near my house. I loved the movie so much I felt it deserved a second viewing in the theater to appreciate things I might have missed the first time around. So I salute Rodarte for the gorgeous costumes, Natalie Portman for her well deserved Oscar and Darren Aronofsky for being able to consistently create movies that are visceral, moving and unsettling.

Finally a Bike?

2011-03-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

Over the years of living in SF I have been uninfected by the bike fever that seems to spread like wildfire, especially among everyone living in the Mission. I have nothing against bikes, just that pretentious, I'm so cool with my fixed gear attitude that is such a turn off. Maybe bikes are in San Francisco what cars are to folks in LA.
Also I have to admit after so many years of being an avid pedestrian, biking around the city, although it would open up whole new worlds, kinda scares me a bit.

My friend Adam did find the perfect bike for me though. Tricycles are tricky to pull of because they can either make you look extremely retarded or just be a little too much. This one is the perfect combination of cool and cute. I want!

Wounded Rhymes

2011-03-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

"I'm really depressing. Some people watch comedy to relax. I watch 21 Grams. I can recognize sadness and tragedy really easily because it's been with me forever. "
Lykke Li

Couldn't have put it better myself!

So Lykke Li's new album came out today and it was everything I hoped it would be; haunting, dark, sensual, fun and just all around lovely.

Also I like this video because I like to think that she may be Death. When she finally reaches the guy she's following, even after he's been running from her, Death comes more as a consolation and solace.

Sometimes it feels like it could be that way.

Sweetness!

2011-02-23T12:38:00.000-08:00

The Effects of Cancer and Chemo

2011-02-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

The battle rages on, so close and yet so far to a potential end. Sometimes I feel like I can see the other side. It’s warm and the rays of the sun are poking through what has until now been the grayest of skies.

Right now, gray is fine, it suits my current mood. Sudden weather changes equal sudden mood swings. An effect of my own personal planet’s global warming.

Not a molecule has been untouched. Every cell has been layed to waste, only to struggle and rebuild itself just to go through the same process over and over again. No time for a sigh of relief.

A planet fighting to survive.

Fields of hair have been dried out, the landscape of the skin has been charred, burnt and cracked leaving exposed scars of a war still being fought. Underneath the soil, intravenous currents boil and bubble in a chemical reaction to the poison that they are constantly being fed.

The days and the months go by and the irony is that while the planet grows stronger, it becomes weaker.

Before, in the evenings, the moon would come out with an invitation to play in unison with it’s constellation of stars, staying up as late as the impending morning would allow. Those times are gone.

Night and day blur into one now, as the world spins out of control, trying to regain its balance on a different, unsteady axis.

Even time is different, no longer into blocks of 24 hours or 30 days, but divided in the space between earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.

It remains uncertain what will happen once the dust settles.

One thing is clear now, an innocence was lost and never regained. The world forever changed.

Droplets

2011-02-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

Captures my usual melancholy mood perfectly. Wish I could have this installation in my room but it wouldn't really go, nonetheless beautiful. By San Francisco based artist, Eibatova Karina.

A

2011-02-19T09:41:00.000-08:00

A from Adam Weatherford on Vimeo.

A video by good friend Featherword, who also does the music for the vid. Oh life in SF! It truly can be dreamy.

Have Some Faith

2011-02-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

Coming across this I felt like I should share it. Faith47 is a painter and street artist, who creates giant murals in Cape Town, South Africa. Some pretty impressive stuff, I must say.

On her website there are more samples of her work and some beautiful videos about her murals and life in an impoverished Cape Town. My favorite is this one, Epitaph.

epitaph from rowan pybus & faith47 on Vimeo.

The National

2011-02-12T11:37:00.000-08:00

New favorite band!

Minimalist Movie Posters

2011-02-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Found here. There are some pretty cool ones, I must say.

Bubble Boy

2011-02-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

Me for the next few months. Also, an interesting photo series by photographer Alex Kisilevich.

Naked for Cancer

2011-02-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

Not the biggest Adam Levine fan here. He does get points though, for raising awareness for testicular and prostate cancer through a hot ad for Everyman, a UK campaign website dedicated exclusively to male cancer.

Pier 24 Photography

2011-02-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. One of the adventures of the day was going with some friends to Pier 24. There's a relatively new art gallery there dedicated exclusively to photography. It's quite the visual feast as it's apparently one of the biggest spaces in the country dedicated only to photos. A must for anyone who is interested in this medium.

"Pier 24 was built in 1935, and is located just south of the Ferry Building in San Francisco. Vacant since 1980, the Pilara Foundation is the first to inhabit this historic space in nearly three decades. After two years of remodeling and improving the space, while retaining its original historic integrity, the Pilara Photographic Collection is now housed in the 28,000 square foot gallery warehouse. The design of the building straddles the line between storage and exhibition space, while maintaining an inherently gallery-like aesthetic. The scale of the space allows for the vast collection to be displayed with little restriction, and the location off the Embarcadero promenade, directly underneath the Bay Bridge, provides for a breathtaking panoramic view of the Bay. Pier 24 embodies respect for the original use and intention of the building, pays homage to a remarkable collection of photography, and reverence for the stunning landscape of the Bay Area."
www.pier24.org

Morgan M. Morgansen’s Date with Destiny

2011-02-03T09:15:00.000-08:00

A clever short film featuring Joseph Gordon Levitt, presented at last year's Sundance.

Get Some

2011-02-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

Love this lady, love this song, love the video...can't wait for the new album.

Light My Fire

2011-01-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

photo by Chuck Anderson.

A Poem

2011-01-31T11:10:00.000-08:00

We who are
your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting
as a group,
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty
frustration
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want
nor cutting you adrift.
Your analyst is
in on it,
plus your boyfriend
and your ex-husband;
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us.
In announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves.
But since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community
of purpose
rare in itself
with you as a natural center,
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make unreasonable
demands for affection
if not as a consequence
of your disastrous personality
then for the good of the collective.

Phillip Lopate

This poem made me laugh out loud. It also made me wish I could read it to some people in my life I just can't get rid of.

The Real Version

2011-01-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

Chutes and Ladders was a hoot when I was a child and playing it on a board, not so much as an adult where the playing field is my life.

New Toro Y Moi

2011-01-27T18:06:00.000-08:00

Brother

2011-01-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

Escenas desde la Carretera Chilena

2011-01-24T10:39:00.000-08:00

More James

2011-01-22T09:05:00.000-08:00

Just in case the video isn't enough (and it isn't!) some stills...yum! Let's rub moustaches!

New York City

2011-01-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

Anxiety

2011-01-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

Every day. All the time. 24/7.

Santiago City

2011-01-20T10:13:00.000-08:00

Riding in the Sunset

2011-01-20T09:52:00.001-08:00

Ally McBeal

2011-01-20T08:29:00.000-08:00

Who didn't at some point watch the silly exploits of this waify lawyer? The dancing baby, Al Green, the hallucinations, the singing, dancing and that unisex bathroom!

Sadly, the series went down hill and lost it's way after Robert Downey Jr. left in the 4th season. But the rest of it was pure fun.

The Blackthorne

2011-01-19T12:39:00.001-08:00

Owning a house is something far off in the distance for me, eventually it would be nice but what money I have I would rather use to travel. Perhaps I could make an exception and dream about owning this gorgeous former B&B in Point Reyes. I was lucky enough to stay here for a long weekend. Cozy, with fireplaces, a hot tub, big kitchen, comfortable living room, 5 stories, it was very hard to leave.
Until next time dear Blackthorne...

Swoon

2011-01-19T06:51:00.000-08:00

Oh James! Could you be any hotter?! I can't imagine how...

Kevin Dart

2011-01-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my friend Amanda's sweet new blog, The Peony Project, I found some new art for my room. This new Kevin Dart print just arrived in the mail.

Oh San Francisco, it's been 6 years together and we're still going strong!

...More Please

2011-01-15T01:19:00.000-08:00

I'm a sucker for quirky indie dramas about people trying to find themselves. This one looks promising. The trailer alone has several quotable one liners.

"Let's meet people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy. Go get yourself loved."
Sounda like a good new year's resolution to me...